The Daughter’s Job – A Rant

It’s fvcked up though, don’t you think?

That women give birth to girls then feel, or better yet, believe that these daughters should take on the responsibilities of their households more than their sons. . . That they must learn the essentials of warming up a home and how to take care of their siblings and future husbands instead of being taught how to take care of themselves and that they should matter to themselves more than the next person.

The daughter’s job is to take care of everyone but herself.

Its fvcked up that these mothers don’t see it necessary to insist that the sons they birth be familiar with the concepts of Consent and respect towards them and their daughters.

Photography by Sinenhlanhla Ngubane

Girls grow up thinking that it’s their job to care for their brothers and by unspoken law, respect them. They’re raised to fear men (even those who are to them, strangers) because no matter what family or race you are born into, the daughters are always inferior to men. Girls are taught fear that is always masked as respect, for these men.

Boys are taught that it is the girl’s responsibility to care for a household, this can sometimes mean doing laundry for the boys/men living in that home. . . They are taught that a girl exists for the sole purpose of pleasing and entertaining man’s toxic and inhumane self and to never, dare never to insult or question him, let alone bruise his ego.

Photography by Sinenhlanhla Ngubane

That women have no right to say “NO” without question and that when she says “NO”, it can be questioned and disregarded by default because a woman has no authority nor right to refuse man’s sexual advances. That a woman cannot refuse to give them her number unless of course there’s a boyfriend or husband involved.

Photography by Sinenhlanhla Ngubane

Parents would rather have their daughters ruled out as over sensitive or hot headed than realizing and understanding that their daughters owe no man (not even their fathers) the satisfaction of love, affection, time or attention.

That their daughters already have a shit-load of bullshit to deal with outside of their homes and that coming home should always be something to look forward to, that home should always be a safe haven.

Mothers will teach their daughters to rather not fight a man even when he lives to humiliate and taunt her, because “your life is more important than anything you may have in your possession. ”

Why is it that parents think it’s okay to force their girls to tolerate vile men instead of telling them it’s okay to choose not to engage?

Why does the older generation opt to say a man was possessed by demons or some kind of evil spirits when they commit acts of violence, rape and kill women instead of stating the only truth? That he committed a crime knowingly and must burn for it.

Why is it that the older generation (our mothers and fathers) is so adamant that women be labeled crazy , over sensitive and overreacting instead of calling out their brothers, husbands and sons for being vile?

Why force your daughter to talk to the very people who disrupt her peace and stability?

“He’s family”, “at the end of the day he’s your father/brother”, “some day you’ll need him”, “you still have to respect him” – families coddle dangerous and toxic men, boys as well; by masking it as “he’s not himself”, “it’s part of growing up”, “he’ll grow out of it”, “he’s always been like that”, “just avoid him”

Photography by Sinenhlanhla Ngubane

Your daughters have grown, they know behaviors that are harmful to their well being. If your daughter doesn’t want to have any form of relationship with someone, it’s their choice to make, not yours to question. Whether or not you feel/believe that they are wrong in making that choice, it is not for you to decide or dictate. Her perceptions of life do not have to please you, what she chooses is not for you to accept, just nor reject. She does not owe the men in her life an explanation, she does not owe them love. She owes no one an explanation as to why she hates or cannot stand certain people. The fact that she does not feel comfortable in certain spaces or doesnt feel comfortable having a detailed conversation about it is merely a reflection of how you are towards her (compared to your sons) and other decisions she may have made in the past. How you reacted to them may be one of the reasons.

If you cannot see that your son, husband, brother, family friends or any other male individuals in both your lives are toxic then the problems is not that she chooses to cut them off or refuses to talk to them, it’s that you are so blinded by your love and “respect” for these men that you fail to see that them sharing space with her limits her comfort, safety or overall wellbeing.

Photography by Sinenhlanhla Ngubane

A person shouldn’t have to explain why they feel a certain way in order for you to acknowledge their uneasiness and/or anger.

Most parents speak of equality amongst their children, but scold their daughters and not their sons for having not cleaned or cooked. A daughter can be depressed or merely going through negative emotions, but will still be expeced to keep to the chore routine instead if insisting their sons help around the household.

Sometimes parents contribute to the awful and heavy situations young girls deal with on a day to day basis. Instead of giving you time to process and be in yor element, they try force us to speak when we clearly don’t want to or aren’t ready to do so.

Sometimes we chose not to share our lifestories because they become testimonies at churches or topics in conversations within social circles. If you’re not the center of a family meeting then you’re guilt-tripped into talking..

And then you realize you should’ve kept your mouth shut because everything that comes after opening up is depressingly weighty and it all just keeps rolling in like an addicted gambler shoving coins into a slot machine, again and again and again.

Parents want to hear what bothers their children but aren’t prepared to deal with how their kids want to deal with it. Parents pretend to listen and understand, but expect their dauhters to keep repeating themselves on why they say and do the things they do and in all honesty, most if the time they don’t realize that always insisting or forcing them to talk increases the emotional distance between you.

Just because you don’t see reason, or fail to understand it doesnt mean their thoughts, decisions and/feelings are invalid.

Photography by Sinenhlanhla Ngubane

On social media we avidly tell one another to communicate and advocate fo open lines of communication with people in our live & by all means we should, but this doesn’t mean we need to repeat the same things we fight about to people wo disregard our feeling every time we share our stories. STOP IT.

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